weird. v i t a l p u l s e…
college is pretty much over. i don’t feel like i gotta do commencement. you know? it’s just behind me. it’d be nice to go back and get all schmaltzy and whatever, maybe make some new friends during that trip? see some old faces, but it’s not really about commencement if i go. it’s not even about mica if i go. it’s just to make new friends and see the few faces i actually care about and that care about me back. with or without work-related favors.
this is gonna sound disgusting but i didn’t shower since saturday. so when i showered up today, i spend some good time just soaking up the water. (actually .. i read somewhere that when you shower you get dehydrated -_-; weird. science is weird. and so cool. anyway.) but while i was standing there in the shower, massaging my scalp (which promotes good thinking too apparently-also read somewhere).. i realized a few things that gave me a feeling of activation to do something about it:
reflected on the four biggest things that were of change in my life. struggle and transformation, challenge and faith full or faith less ness at various intervals.
- family
- sexuality; etiquette/human mess
- institutions; ie corporate ie education
- the little things i do and live by
when it comes to family. well. God’s the miracle man. transformation and healing happened through the original G. and i could go on and on about that but i wanna keep this kinda short. it’s pretty late. but anyway. thats huge.
then with sexuality. korean churches and churches in general just don’t talk about it honestly and straight up. so where do kids go? well we took/take it to the streets to find out. asking others for their history, studying through observation and field work (ie. practice or applied tests). i really forgot about that. i forgot bc mica-time, college-time, was my most concentrated time of learning what the hell sexuality is. and how it fits into our human psyche and behavior system which results in human etiquette—whether or not it’s proper… all of our behavior is affected by it. that and the need to eat. but sexuality and feeding/digesting are both sensual acts that people do repetitively and are concerned with repetitively. the eating part gets masked by also the desires to consume material goods and immaterial recognition, but it boils down to consumption. consumption and sexuality.
i spent a whole lot of time/effort figuring that shi out. and what came out of it? well. learned what the dating game is. learned how to manipulate the f out of situations—is the pessimistic and negative way to explain that. the positive ish way to explain it is, learned how to navigate and at times direct/lead/influence human relationships.
yet learning about God, having faith in God, studying theology etc at lexington christian academy.. i had my ideals set up in the lofty heavens of holiness and purity. how do you combine the two things? how do you bring them to be real with each other in your own mind and your own life?
you don’t. you can’t. it’s not possible.
why? b/c one’s learned from God. the other’s learned not from God. that’s the key thing: the origin of learning. if they were both learned from God, then voila. it’s simple. no complexity. but since they were learned from separate origins, there was no unity. there could only be a human-made composite of my own liking, since i’m the one who went on the journey of learning. postmodern sure, but not satisfactory.
i could seriously go on and on and on. but what it came down to, while i stood there in the shower, was remembering the summer course i designed for the youth girls at kpcc a couple years ago. the thing that made that group grow and feel dedicated was the level of honesty and commitment to the promise we held to not let any of our personal shit leave that room. we shared and questioned and investigated the Bible. a lot of the concerns and experiences shared that were brought up was in some way related to sex, alcohol, gestures, perspective, and BASICALLY: human etiquette. the sensual , physical part, of the fact and reality that we have human bodies and we’re living on this very physical earth. how to live in faith while acknowledging we also travel in our physical bodies. so i felt like the current church i go to needs that. i keep hearing about little kids dating and it’s like seriously disturbing. disturbing because (1) i forget that i was once that age and unless i committed to not date until i turned 18, i would have definitely been dating and (2) they are completely uninformed…
uninformed because their information is split. church says to live holy and blameless lives, and teaches and discusses how amazing God is, God’s mercy, God’s love, God’s way, and God will be done, so glorify him! But then church doesn’t say how to live that holy life, because it avoids being legalistic. while at the same time being very legalistic by not openly discussing things like sexuality and other human behaviors/realities. if you just lay down the law and leave it at that, when a developing/inquisitive mind has unanswered questions, how the heck are they supposed to fully grasp God’s holiness? it’s easy to build a mindset that, well if i do xyz, i can say sorry for anything later. maybe it’s kind of a shitty way to think but i don’t know what else to think. or ill just sit here very still and not do anything, until the perfect and undeniably holy thing happens to me—comes across my path. i don’t even know how to look for it, or begin considering looking for it.
i want to have open table discussions at church with the youth about this stuff. why? b/c i think if i was raised with open discussions, i wouldn’t have to (1) navigate my teenage social life with uncertainty and lack of trust because this would not be a problem and (2) college would not feel like such a social waste of people figuring out their shit, mostly tied to something sexual whether it’s orientation or self worth or claim to fames by way of career route (i’m using the term sexual not only in terms of intercourse but the sensuality of physical life and all that comes with it when we are run by the media).
i feel like once that monster topic is discussed, it is a possibility that other things would begin to make more sense to youth. bc as it is, it’s so easy to say like, okay get the best grades and stay fit and healthy be a great athlete… but why? that idea of Stewardship is hard to comprehend when you don’t talk about everything wholistically. when you don’t acnowledge sensuality and sexuality, it’s easier to think about attaining those things NOT as a moment-by-moment commitment to faithfulness with God’s provision, but instead to prove something else. i don’t know how to explain this -__- i feel like that was potentially confusing. but once you fully understand holiness and sensuality and sexuality, then it just MAKES SENSE that these tiny little things aren’t really that tiny and little, and yet at the same time, none of them has to be blown out of so much proportion. by keeping something like sensuality/sexuality hush hush and dance-around-the-bush, it makes other things that Are talked about, equally polar in size.
questioning, investigating, studying sensuality/sexuality in light of human relations actually propelled me into investigating God’s holiness. and God’s holiness then turned to reveal culture, etiquette, stewardship, work, studies, “the small things,” and God’s sovereignty.
sure, maybe this is a personal thing. obviously i’m saying my perspective and that in itself is super personal. everyone ticks differently. blah blah but for anyone who is in the same steps of living a life where they believe in God, or their family believes in God, but not everything is talked about in the church… there’s going to be questions. and i want to answer that need by bringing it to light. at least within the privacy of an agreed disclosure that we won’t incriminate one another to those who simply cannot handle open discussion or cannot handle knowing certain things. but ultimately the purpose is to center on God.
——
it’s interesting being an artist. being given the talent of art. and really… just that talent. everything else is about the same level. to have a family that really opposed art—at least parents. and because of that blood-related challenge, i was seriously tested on whether i’d be faithful with the talent of arts creation and arts communication. it’s also an occupation that really tests and measures my discipline and faithfulness. if i don’t do my art, or think about and keep considering things for my artistic practice…. it shows. the output shows it. there’s no lying about it or fibbing numbers. anyone can tell with their bare eyes. doing art initially started out as a joy that i simply did because i love it. then it became desperate, it was the only thing i could do that i felt any sort of certainty in—and because i relied on it, i wanted to reject doing it. plan b’s abound. and then i understood it as the talent i’m meant to sow and reap for harvest. and since then, it’s been a joy again but with purpose added.
aside from that, the sense of time is also very different. time is almost stretched out to eternity every day. it’s also miniscule like a drop of water that shakes then evaporates. i don’t really have any concern for the corporate fiscal year, nor the academic quarterly/semesterly year. every day is all about me & God. and whatever deadlines institutions might have for themselves around me, it doesn’t really matter except that i just respect it and turn things in if i want to be involved. institutional calendars don’t run me anymore. i’m just running with God…
God’s released me from the bondage of time. & i’m not even dead.
praise the Lord.
—-
to close this entry.
the whole shower thoughts thing that you might have given up reading b/c it’s long, or if you read may have been confused about.. i don’t know. is something i gotta pray about. it’s such a fresh realization in a state of post-college that i’ve gotta pray. and consider the syllabus as well. even now it feels kind of jarbled, despite having written this longass entry. i mean,it’s really CLEAR inside as to what the CONCERN or QUESTION is. as well as OBJECTIVE. But i’ve gotta learn what books to look into (a la syllabus) and discussion questions and select stories/experiences to share. not just generic questions but things that really delve into the heart of the matter. it’s like asking a kid how was school versus asking a kid what they did for recess. i know it would be an intensive. one session strictly for males. one session strictly for females. and two additional sessions for both genders. i imagine each session to be at least 3-4 hours long. we’ll see what happens. maybe something will come through. or maybe i’m not ready to be used for that purpose. maybe someone else will step up to the plate. i have no problem doing it and would like to. but we’ll see if God leads it, and how He’ll lead it.
